The other day I was binge-watching an especially dumb series on Netflix. I was just casually listening to it in the background while I worked on chores around the house, until one of the characters - who is a woman my age - commented on how she is not doing anything right now to accomplish her goals. That she is just stagnant in her life and career, and that she wanted to do something about it.
That struck me, and I paused my work for a minute. I thought, am I going for my goals? And then I realized, I don't have any goals anymore.
In that moment I felt so... empty. Not sad empty, but like, I go through the motions and have no fire inside of me to do anything more. Like I am a robot.
The next moment I felt extreme disappointment in myself. I mean, having a goal means to work toward something. To become obsessed with something and be willing to do anything to achieve it. We all need goals in our lives so that we can make decisions and have a purpose for our day, our week, our year. Having purpose keeps us running as a society. Goals, big or small, keep us alive. I had lost that drive altogether.
For days I couldn't stop thinking about this, and I got increasingly more upset about it because I couldn't come up with a goal for myself. But finally, finally I listened to what my thoughts were actually saying. I realized, it's not that I have no goals because I am a completely lost person, but that I have no goals because I don't need any right now.
Ok, wait, what?! You are probably thinking that I am trying to justify the problem and make an excuse for myself. But seriously, I am being serious! My life is in a huge transitional period right now. I am still a newlywed, we just bought a house/moved into a house/are fixing up a house, my job is in a state of unrest, we are talking about starting a family and so my desire is to ultimately become a homemaker, and on top of all of that, we had a death in the family in January. I am everywhere and all over the place and even though some of this stuff is negative, the other stuff is pretty exciting. I have plenty to look forward to, plenty to work on. I may not be as focused on taking over Martha Stewart’s empire as I once was, but that is because I am focused on curating my own life right now. And putting myself and my family and my future family first is a worthy goal itself.
I think a lot of people would have a problem with this. I think changing or losing goals before achieving them would feel like failure to most people. But you know what, life changes. If you asked me 10 years ago where I would be today, it would NOT be where I am now. Back then I couldn’t even fathom how to get here. But life happened, things changed, I got opportunities that I had never considered on my own but I sure as hell wasn’t going to say no to, and here I am. So did I fail because I didn’t move to New York after college like I planned? Well, at the time it felt like yes, but now I can see that it is a no. If I moved out there, I wouldn’t have all the great things in my life I have right now. And did I lose myself because it is no longer a goal or even desire of mine to move to New York? No. As my life has changed, I realize I would much rather move to Hawaii than to New York. I love the person I used to be - the girl that wanted so much to live in the big city with the high-powered career and fabulous apartment - but I am turning into this new person who still has so much potential to be awesome, just different.
It is really funny how life changes, sometimes so drastically and so quickly. And how dreams and desires and personalities change, too. I was certain that my lack of goals was due to my depression, and you know, that probably does play a part in it. But I feel good about acknowledging the phase of life I am currently experiencing and crediting my changes to this phase. The power over my life lies in my own hands.
XO
That struck me, and I paused my work for a minute. I thought, am I going for my goals? And then I realized, I don't have any goals anymore.
In that moment I felt so... empty. Not sad empty, but like, I go through the motions and have no fire inside of me to do anything more. Like I am a robot.
The next moment I felt extreme disappointment in myself. I mean, having a goal means to work toward something. To become obsessed with something and be willing to do anything to achieve it. We all need goals in our lives so that we can make decisions and have a purpose for our day, our week, our year. Having purpose keeps us running as a society. Goals, big or small, keep us alive. I had lost that drive altogether.
For days I couldn't stop thinking about this, and I got increasingly more upset about it because I couldn't come up with a goal for myself. But finally, finally I listened to what my thoughts were actually saying. I realized, it's not that I have no goals because I am a completely lost person, but that I have no goals because I don't need any right now.
Ok, wait, what?! You are probably thinking that I am trying to justify the problem and make an excuse for myself. But seriously, I am being serious! My life is in a huge transitional period right now. I am still a newlywed, we just bought a house/moved into a house/are fixing up a house, my job is in a state of unrest, we are talking about starting a family and so my desire is to ultimately become a homemaker, and on top of all of that, we had a death in the family in January. I am everywhere and all over the place and even though some of this stuff is negative, the other stuff is pretty exciting. I have plenty to look forward to, plenty to work on. I may not be as focused on taking over Martha Stewart’s empire as I once was, but that is because I am focused on curating my own life right now. And putting myself and my family and my future family first is a worthy goal itself.
I think a lot of people would have a problem with this. I think changing or losing goals before achieving them would feel like failure to most people. But you know what, life changes. If you asked me 10 years ago where I would be today, it would NOT be where I am now. Back then I couldn’t even fathom how to get here. But life happened, things changed, I got opportunities that I had never considered on my own but I sure as hell wasn’t going to say no to, and here I am. So did I fail because I didn’t move to New York after college like I planned? Well, at the time it felt like yes, but now I can see that it is a no. If I moved out there, I wouldn’t have all the great things in my life I have right now. And did I lose myself because it is no longer a goal or even desire of mine to move to New York? No. As my life has changed, I realize I would much rather move to Hawaii than to New York. I love the person I used to be - the girl that wanted so much to live in the big city with the high-powered career and fabulous apartment - but I am turning into this new person who still has so much potential to be awesome, just different.
It is really funny how life changes, sometimes so drastically and so quickly. And how dreams and desires and personalities change, too. I was certain that my lack of goals was due to my depression, and you know, that probably does play a part in it. But I feel good about acknowledging the phase of life I am currently experiencing and crediting my changes to this phase. The power over my life lies in my own hands.
XO
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