Impostor Syndrome

'Impostor syndrome' is a term that was first introduced to me by a therapist. When she said it, I thought she was speaking in general about the Silicon Valley since you see a lot of that around here... people get hired by big companies into high-paying jobs, and don't think they deserve it. I didn't fully understand that I, too, was a victim until I listened to a corporate presentation about it last week.

In the presentation, the speaker explained her experience of taking a three week vacation. On that vacation, despite being in a beautiful setting and totally unplugged from work, she was more stressed about work than ever. She thought "what if I am gone so long that they think I don't care, and then they fire me?" And "what if while I am gone, they discover I am not as good as they thought I was, and they fire me?" Oh, and also "what if things go so well while I am gone, they wonder why they even need me, and they fire me?"

These fears took hold of her and ruined her trip. They wasted her time, wasted her money, and in the end, left her terrified to return to work, even though it was a job she loved.

And I sat there, almost crying, because I've been there.

I've gone through more than one phase over the past few years of oh-my-gosh-I'm-going-to-get-fired without cause. Where did I even get that idea? Because the evidence is this: I was hired, I've received great performance reviews, and my manager has discussed long-term plans for my career growth. Nothing in there is a red flag, so where did my "logic" that I was being fired come from?

Impostor syndrome comes from the inability for us to internalize our accomplishments, and to take it a step further, the bad habit of allowing external signals to negate our accomplishments.

For me at work, it was entering an uninviting work environment that I believe triggered my syndrome. Yes, I was hired, but I was made to feel unwelcome by others in the office. I was made to feel that my role wasn't important, and that I didn't belong in that department. And therefore, no matter what the quality of my work or the score on my performance review, I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like an impostor, and I believed it was only a matter of time before they corrected their mistake and fired me.

For me, this gave me an overwhelming sense of "why bother," since I was sure I was going to be fired anyway. And then a deep depression set in because I suddenly lost my purpose and motivation at work. And then I stopped working, sometimes not even showing up at all. And then I came back around to being afraid I was going to be fired because now I had an actual reason to be fired. I had created a real issue out of an imaginary scenario in my head.

The trouble is, coming out of this was REALLY hard. I was so paralyzed by fear of being fired that I couldn't function. I had to take it one day at a time, no, one minute at a time to check and reset my mood and try to get anything done at all.

I think to some extent, impostor syndrome probably motivates people to try harder to keep up with their peers if they feel like they are falling behind. But for me, it broke me down. And I HATE that I let it do that to me, because I like to consider myself a strong, confident, competitive person. Now that I realize that others have been through the same experience, though, I don't feel quite as angry about it. I realize it wasn't me failing, it was just me not appreciating myself. I need to take time each day to celebrate my victories and count my blessings, because I am not an impostor. I worked hard to get where I am today, and I am excited for what is next.

XO