One of the hardest parts of depression for me is the fact that I don't like myself anymore. How sad is that?! And even as I have become increasingly better at combatting my depression and anxiety, I am still finding it hard to like myself again.
I used to be fun, always laughing and always making others laugh. Always a little more interested in the quirky side of things, but not so much that people thought I was weird. But I was weird, too, in a charming way! I used to think I was smart, and that gave me the self confidence to believe I could do anything. And I was never afraid to try new things or take on new jobs, because I was always successful. I was exactly the person that I wanted to be.
So once I started dealing with depression, I lost a lot of these great characteristics about myself because I just didn't have the energy or the mood to do things. Most of my free time was spent on the couch in front of the TV, flipping through channels and not really watching anything. And I let others convince me that I wasn't so smart afterall, and I became scared of new things.
It felt like my best friend had died, and I had killed her. The result is that I often feel lonely and disgusted with myself, like the real biggest loser.
But I am working through this, slowly. I am working through this by choosing to become the person I want to be, the person I once was. It is almost as if I have taken this negative feeling that "I am nothing" and turned it into a positive, looking at myself as a blank canvas, and recreating myself from scratch.
But painting a masterpiece is overwhelming, so I am starting with a few brushstrokes at a time. Like, I want to be a happy, optimistic person, so I am trying to smile more... no more resting bitch face for me! (Seriously, I have an angry resting expression - I even surprise myself with it in the mirror sometimes.) Any time I consciously notice that I am not smiling, I try to relax my face and let a smile grow, even if I am alone.
I also want to live a healthy lifestyle, with exercise for my body and meditation for my mind. So, I have started doing yoga at home with YouTube to accomplish both goals. Since I can do that at my convenience, with whatever time I have, with whatever energy level I have or don't have, AND do it for free, I literally have no excuse to avoid it. I never really did yoga in the past, so this is something brand new that I am choosing for myself.
And speaking of the "painting a masterpiece" analogy, I want to be an artist. I used to do arts and crafts at home a lot, and I studied art in school, so it is not something new for me. But I haven't been doing much since college, and frankly, I miss it. I miss the creative workflow, and producing things that made people happy, including myself. So I have recently completed several projects that have started me back on that path. I had to kinda force myself to get started, but the high I feel after finishing a project and being proud of the result is so worth the struggle of starting.
The bottom line is that I want to love myself again! It will be a long journey to fix all that has broken, but making the decision to make those first steps is progress, and I already like myself more for it. I already feel the old me shining through - the old me that was never afraid of a challenge. And this is the most worthwhile challenge I have ever taken on... myself.
XO
I used to be fun, always laughing and always making others laugh. Always a little more interested in the quirky side of things, but not so much that people thought I was weird. But I was weird, too, in a charming way! I used to think I was smart, and that gave me the self confidence to believe I could do anything. And I was never afraid to try new things or take on new jobs, because I was always successful. I was exactly the person that I wanted to be.
So once I started dealing with depression, I lost a lot of these great characteristics about myself because I just didn't have the energy or the mood to do things. Most of my free time was spent on the couch in front of the TV, flipping through channels and not really watching anything. And I let others convince me that I wasn't so smart afterall, and I became scared of new things.
It felt like my best friend had died, and I had killed her. The result is that I often feel lonely and disgusted with myself, like the real biggest loser.
But I am working through this, slowly. I am working through this by choosing to become the person I want to be, the person I once was. It is almost as if I have taken this negative feeling that "I am nothing" and turned it into a positive, looking at myself as a blank canvas, and recreating myself from scratch.
But painting a masterpiece is overwhelming, so I am starting with a few brushstrokes at a time. Like, I want to be a happy, optimistic person, so I am trying to smile more... no more resting bitch face for me! (Seriously, I have an angry resting expression - I even surprise myself with it in the mirror sometimes.) Any time I consciously notice that I am not smiling, I try to relax my face and let a smile grow, even if I am alone.
I also want to live a healthy lifestyle, with exercise for my body and meditation for my mind. So, I have started doing yoga at home with YouTube to accomplish both goals. Since I can do that at my convenience, with whatever time I have, with whatever energy level I have or don't have, AND do it for free, I literally have no excuse to avoid it. I never really did yoga in the past, so this is something brand new that I am choosing for myself.
And speaking of the "painting a masterpiece" analogy, I want to be an artist. I used to do arts and crafts at home a lot, and I studied art in school, so it is not something new for me. But I haven't been doing much since college, and frankly, I miss it. I miss the creative workflow, and producing things that made people happy, including myself. So I have recently completed several projects that have started me back on that path. I had to kinda force myself to get started, but the high I feel after finishing a project and being proud of the result is so worth the struggle of starting.
The bottom line is that I want to love myself again! It will be a long journey to fix all that has broken, but making the decision to make those first steps is progress, and I already like myself more for it. I already feel the old me shining through - the old me that was never afraid of a challenge. And this is the most worthwhile challenge I have ever taken on... myself.
XO
No comments:
Post a Comment