This has been a rough year for me so far.
I think with the new year, we always assume it is a fresh start. And I was sure looking forward to that fresh start. Maybe I set my expectations too high, I don't know. But I have majorly struggled with both my depression and anxiety over the past few months. Unfortunately, I feel like I lost a lot of the progress I previously made.
The worst part is, I know exactly what happened. I let one tiny lapse turn into days of lapse, and I ignored my own advice about how to deal with it. I kept telling myself "tomorrow I'll do better," but then I never put in the effort to do better.
It all started when my husband and I purchased a new-to-us house toward the end of last year. As if house hunting itself isn't stressful enough, we chose a home that needed a lot of updates, and dove right in to d.i.y. construction as soon as we got the keys. Fun, but overwhelming. And messy. And the mess basically triples the overwhelm factor. Then there was travel for work, and travel for the holidays, and by the time I was settled back at home, I was sick. So I stayed home in bed for a few days, and then worked from home after that since my colleagues were on vacation anyway.
And being home alone is what finally broke me. I dropped out of my routine, because working from home allowed me to sleep in, and take naps, and quit early for the day, etc. I stopped getting dressed for the day or even taking regular showers because, why bother? I wasn't eating right because I wasn't leaving the house to get groceries and prepare healthy meals. I was letting myself spiral.
I knew I had reached an all-time low when I couldn't even bring myself to watch Gilmore Girls anymore. (I think I am on my 5th round of watching all the seasons? I keep it on any time I'm home alone... I love it and it comforts me.) From there I basically had two options: stay where I was and be BORED and EXHAUSTED and MISERABLE forever, or pick myself up out of it. When I looked at it that way, why would I want to stay where I was?
Fear overcomes me at times when I need to pick myself up. I get to a point where I am scared to leave the house, scared to go to work, scared to talk to other humans. So it is not like I just snapped out of it. No, it took baby steps. Half-days at the office. A quick trip to the grocery store and back. Just enough to ease myself back into life, and to show myself how much better I feel when I have a routine and I act like an adult with a job and responsibilities. It took a couple of weeks to get back into a routine physically, and I am still working on getting back into the routine mentally.
Post-spiral, some days are harder than others. Since I've started bouncing back, I have had a few life-altering pieces of news that threaten sending me back down the spiral again. I am teetering on the edge. But the thing is, I feel like I can handle these new obstacles better because I am at a point right now in which I do not want to give up control. And when I think about it, it was almost a blessing that I spiraled right at the start of the year. If it hadn't happened, and if I hadn't already felt the drive to pick myself up, then these new obstacles would have knocked me down at a time that I needed to be in control the most.
I guess what I learned from all of this is that I need to believe in myself more. Trust myself more. I knew I was not taking care of myself, and yet I said "oh well" rather than doing what was right. And that is the thing about depression and anxiety, that only I can help it. Yes, there is therapy and there is meditation and there is medication, but there is not an external cure. The cure comes from me doing what is right for me. Me taking care of me. Me loving me.
I think with the new year, we always assume it is a fresh start. And I was sure looking forward to that fresh start. Maybe I set my expectations too high, I don't know. But I have majorly struggled with both my depression and anxiety over the past few months. Unfortunately, I feel like I lost a lot of the progress I previously made.
The worst part is, I know exactly what happened. I let one tiny lapse turn into days of lapse, and I ignored my own advice about how to deal with it. I kept telling myself "tomorrow I'll do better," but then I never put in the effort to do better.
It all started when my husband and I purchased a new-to-us house toward the end of last year. As if house hunting itself isn't stressful enough, we chose a home that needed a lot of updates, and dove right in to d.i.y. construction as soon as we got the keys. Fun, but overwhelming. And messy. And the mess basically triples the overwhelm factor. Then there was travel for work, and travel for the holidays, and by the time I was settled back at home, I was sick. So I stayed home in bed for a few days, and then worked from home after that since my colleagues were on vacation anyway.
And being home alone is what finally broke me. I dropped out of my routine, because working from home allowed me to sleep in, and take naps, and quit early for the day, etc. I stopped getting dressed for the day or even taking regular showers because, why bother? I wasn't eating right because I wasn't leaving the house to get groceries and prepare healthy meals. I was letting myself spiral.
I knew I had reached an all-time low when I couldn't even bring myself to watch Gilmore Girls anymore. (I think I am on my 5th round of watching all the seasons? I keep it on any time I'm home alone... I love it and it comforts me.) From there I basically had two options: stay where I was and be BORED and EXHAUSTED and MISERABLE forever, or pick myself up out of it. When I looked at it that way, why would I want to stay where I was?
Fear overcomes me at times when I need to pick myself up. I get to a point where I am scared to leave the house, scared to go to work, scared to talk to other humans. So it is not like I just snapped out of it. No, it took baby steps. Half-days at the office. A quick trip to the grocery store and back. Just enough to ease myself back into life, and to show myself how much better I feel when I have a routine and I act like an adult with a job and responsibilities. It took a couple of weeks to get back into a routine physically, and I am still working on getting back into the routine mentally.
Post-spiral, some days are harder than others. Since I've started bouncing back, I have had a few life-altering pieces of news that threaten sending me back down the spiral again. I am teetering on the edge. But the thing is, I feel like I can handle these new obstacles better because I am at a point right now in which I do not want to give up control. And when I think about it, it was almost a blessing that I spiraled right at the start of the year. If it hadn't happened, and if I hadn't already felt the drive to pick myself up, then these new obstacles would have knocked me down at a time that I needed to be in control the most.
I guess what I learned from all of this is that I need to believe in myself more. Trust myself more. I knew I was not taking care of myself, and yet I said "oh well" rather than doing what was right. And that is the thing about depression and anxiety, that only I can help it. Yes, there is therapy and there is meditation and there is medication, but there is not an external cure. The cure comes from me doing what is right for me. Me taking care of me. Me loving me.
XO
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