When Anxiety Attacks - Distract

Today was a crappy day.  I spiraled.

The anxiety that hit me was about money.  I absolutely hate getting stressed about money because my theory is: everyone is always going to want/need more money - money comes and goes - so if money is your biggest problem in life, you probably have it pretty good.

But even as I tell myself that, I am completely freaking out.  The anxiety hits me like a linebacker and I go from zero to full ugly cry in two seconds.  There is no going back.

Logically, I know that worrying/crying/losing my shirt about it is not going to resolve anything or make me feel any better about it. Logically, I know that there are options to deal with each issue. There are questions that need to be answered. I may or may not like the end result, but at this point it is too early to mourn the worst-case scenario because we aren't there yet.

But the thing about Anxiety as a disorder is that it doesn't respond to logic. Period. Things are always the worst-case scenario. Anxiety says 'FIGHT OR FLIIIIIIIIIGHT' and gives no other option. So there I sit, full meltdown.

In my experience, there is no stopping The Meltdown.  Anxiety attacks are uncontrollable, so I have learned not to even try to control them.  My aim, instead, is to distract.  Shift the energy I am exerting on my meltdown into something else altogether.

This is where a hobby comes in handy. There is no better workout than an angry workout, am I right? Or what about baking... Not only does it take your mind off things to focus on a recipe, but then you get to eat something delicious, too! Or how about going for a drive? There is something so incredibly peaceful about driving for the sake of driving. Remember that feeling when you first got your license and you just wanted to drive? Pure bliss.

Oh sure, I let myself cry.  And I also vent to my husband or even call and vent to my parents if he isn't around.  But the only real way for me to get out of the rabbit hole of anxiety is distraction.  It can be hard to do, and sometimes it even takes hours of me attempting multiple different activities before I am finally able to calm down. Possibly because I have just worn myself out from so many activities.  Like anything else, it takes practice to be able to overcome an episode of anxiety.

So now I am headed off to bed. No, I am not feeling 100% calm yet. But I've had a busy night of distractions and at this point I just really need to sleep. I'm going to count my blessings, and that is going to have to be good enough for today.

XO

In Search of Goals

The other day I was binge-watching an especially dumb series on Netflix. I was just casually listening to it in the background while I worked on chores around the house, until one of the characters - who is a woman my age - commented on how she is not doing anything right now to accomplish her goals. That she is just stagnant in her life and career, and that she wanted to do something about it.

That struck me, and I paused my work for a minute. I thought, am I going for my goals? And then I realized, I don't have any goals anymore.

In that moment I felt so... empty. Not sad empty, but like, I go through the motions and have no fire inside of me to do anything more. Like I am a robot.

The next moment I felt extreme disappointment in myself. I mean, having a goal means to work toward something. To become obsessed with something and be willing to do anything to achieve it. We all need goals in our lives so that we can make decisions and have a purpose for our day, our week, our year. Having purpose keeps us running as a society. Goals, big or small, keep us alive. I had lost that drive altogether.

For days I couldn't stop thinking about this, and I got increasingly more upset about it because I couldn't come up with a goal for myself. But finally, finally I listened to what my thoughts were actually saying. I realized, it's not that I have no goals because I am a completely lost person, but that I have no goals because I don't need any right now.

Ok, wait, what?! You are probably thinking that I am trying to justify the problem and make an excuse for myself. But seriously, I am being serious! My life is in a huge transitional period right now. I am still a newlywed, we just bought a house/moved into a house/are fixing up a house, my job is in a state of unrest, we are talking about starting a family and so my desire is to ultimately become a homemaker, and on top of all of that, we had a death in the family in January. I am everywhere and all over the place and even though some of this stuff is negative, the other stuff is pretty exciting. I have plenty to look forward to, plenty to work on. I may not be as focused on taking over Martha Stewart’s empire as I once was, but that is because I am focused on curating my own life right now. And putting myself and my family and my future family first is a worthy goal itself.

I think a lot of people would have a problem with this. I think changing or losing goals before achieving them would feel like failure to most people. But you know what, life changes. If you asked me 10 years ago where I would be today, it would NOT be where I am now. Back then I couldn’t even fathom how to get here. But life happened, things changed, I got opportunities that I had never considered on my own but I sure as hell wasn’t going to say no to, and here I am. So did I fail because I didn’t move to New York after college like I planned? Well, at the time it felt like yes, but now I can see that it is a no. If I moved out there, I wouldn’t have all the great things in my life I have right now. And did I lose myself because it is no longer a goal or even desire of mine to move to New York? No. As my life has changed, I realize I would much rather move to Hawaii than to New York. I love the person I used to be - the girl that wanted so much to live in the big city with the high-powered career and fabulous apartment - but I am turning into this new person who still has so much potential to be awesome, just different.

It is really funny how life changes, sometimes so drastically and so quickly. And how dreams and desires and personalities change, too. I was certain that my lack of goals was due to my depression, and you know, that probably does play a part in it. But I feel good about acknowledging the phase of life I am currently experiencing and crediting my changes to this phase. The power over my life lies in my own hands.

XO

An Amish Outlook

About a year ago, I started reading Amish fiction. It is one of those things, I Googled "best Chinese food in the South Bay" and ended up driving to my local library to get a library card and a book called An Amish Kitchen. When the internet is involved, these things tend to happen. And no, I didn't eat Chinese food that night.

Before I continue, no, I am not considering becoming Amish. There are aspects of the Amish faith and lifestyle that I do not agree with at all. Specifically, it is a very strict culture with strict punishments, and the concept of shunning especially breaks my heart. But for the most part, the literature avoids these harsh topics and focuses on the positive aspects of the Amish. The stories are all very Hallmark-movie-esque, and everyone lives happily ever after. Over the past year I have read dozens of Amish books and novellas, and I can't get enough!

So, what is it that I love so much about these Amish stories? The simplicity, and the values. The idea that there is work to be done, and everyone does their part. The idea that it is not important who is better or who has more. The idea that family is the most important thing on this earth. The idea that things will work out as long as we stay focused and honest and take care of one another.

These are all values that seem to be lost in the hustle and bustle of the modern world. Working in the Silicon Valley, it seems like money is God. Work is life. Things and cars and clothes are how you prove you are better than others. Oh, and being better than everyone else is the most important thing on this earth. There is deception, there are office politics, there is competition.

These Amish tales are encouragement for me. They help me put things into perspective. They remind me about what really matters in life when I am feeling lost and sub-par in my own daily life. The stories make me feel like it is ok to want to be a stay at home mom someday, because family and a home for that family are priorities. The Amish live a lifestyle in which love, faith, and survival are more important than fame or possessions, the way life should be.

Honestly, I could care less about the latest gadget. While I do use modern technology because it exists, the internet and my smart phone are not why I am here on earth. They don't matter. What matters is health, happiness, and love.

To me, an Amish outlook is just the basics. It is only what matters, and nothing that doesn't. I think it has helped me on and off over the last year to embrace the Amish outlook when things are stressful. I stop and think, what is affecting me? Does it really matter? If the answer is no, I deal with it and move on. I'd rather not waste too much energy on the superficial so that I have enough energy for what really matters to me.

Maybe Amish fiction is not for everyone, but I do think the simplicity and the values of the Amish lifestyle can benefit anyone. I am just thankful for finding encouragement in such a random place.

XO

One step forward, Two steps back

This has been a rough year for me so far.

I think with the new year, we always assume it is a fresh start. And I was sure looking forward to that fresh start. Maybe I set my expectations too high, I don't know. But I have majorly struggled with both my depression and anxiety over the past few months. Unfortunately, I feel like I lost a lot of the progress I previously made.

The worst part is, I know exactly what happened. I let one tiny lapse turn into days of lapse, and I ignored my own advice about how to deal with it. I kept telling myself "tomorrow I'll do better," but then I never put in the effort to do better.

It all started when my husband and I purchased a new-to-us house toward the end of last year. As if house hunting itself isn't stressful enough, we chose a home that needed a lot of updates, and dove right in to d.i.y. construction as soon as we got the keys. Fun, but overwhelming. And messy. And the mess basically triples the overwhelm factor. Then there was travel for work, and travel for the holidays, and by the time I was settled back at home, I was sick. So I stayed home in bed for a few days, and then worked from home after that since my colleagues were on vacation anyway.

And being home alone is what finally broke me. I dropped out of my routine, because working from home allowed me to sleep in, and take naps, and quit early for the day, etc. I stopped getting dressed for the day or even taking regular showers because, why bother? I wasn't eating right because I wasn't leaving the house to get groceries and prepare healthy meals. I was letting myself spiral.

I knew I had reached an all-time low when I couldn't even bring myself to watch Gilmore Girls anymore. (I think I am on my 5th round of watching all the seasons? I keep it on any time I'm home alone... I love it and it comforts me.) From there I basically had two options: stay where I was and be BORED and EXHAUSTED and MISERABLE forever, or pick myself up out of it. When I looked at it that way, why would I want to stay where I was?

Fear overcomes me at times when I need to pick myself up. I get to a point where I am scared to leave the house, scared to go to work, scared to talk to other humans. So it is not like I just snapped out of it. No, it took baby steps. Half-days at the office. A quick trip to the grocery store and back. Just enough to ease myself back into life, and to show myself how much better I feel when I have a routine and I act like an adult with a job and responsibilities. It took a couple of weeks to get back into a routine physically, and I am still working on getting back into the routine mentally.

Post-spiral, some days are harder than others. Since I've started bouncing back, I have had a few life-altering pieces of news that threaten sending me back down the spiral again. I am teetering on the edge. But the thing is, I feel like I can handle these new obstacles better because I am at a point right now in which I do not want to give up control. And when I think about it, it was almost a blessing that I spiraled right at the start of the year. If it hadn't happened, and if I hadn't already felt the drive to pick myself up, then these new obstacles would have knocked me down at a time that I needed to be in control the most.

I guess what I learned from all of this is that I need to believe in myself more. Trust myself more. I knew I was not taking care of myself, and yet I said "oh well" rather than doing what was right. And that is the thing about depression and anxiety, that only I can help it. Yes, there is therapy and there is meditation and there is medication, but there is not an external cure. The cure comes from me doing what is right for me. Me taking care of me. Me loving me. 

XO

Choosing Me

One of the hardest parts of depression for me is the fact that I don't like myself anymore. How sad is that?! And even as I have become increasingly better at combatting my depression and anxiety, I am still finding it hard to like myself again.

I used to be fun, always laughing and always making others laugh. Always a little more interested in the quirky side of things, but not so much that people thought I was weird. But I was weird, too, in a charming way! I used to think I was smart, and that gave me the self confidence to believe I could do anything. And I was never afraid to try new things or take on new jobs, because I was always successful. I was exactly the person that I wanted to be.

So once I started dealing with depression, I lost a lot of these great characteristics about myself because I just didn't have the energy or the mood to do things. Most of my free time was spent on the couch in front of the TV, flipping through channels and not really watching anything. And I let others convince me that I wasn't so smart afterall, and I became scared of new things.

It felt like my best friend had died, and I had killed her. The result is that I often feel lonely and disgusted with myself, like the real biggest loser.

But I am working through this, slowly. I am working through this by choosing to become the person I want to be, the person I once was. It is almost as if I have taken this negative feeling that "I am nothing" and turned it into a positive, looking at myself as a blank canvas, and recreating myself from scratch.

But painting a masterpiece is overwhelming, so I am starting with a few brushstrokes at a time. Like, I want to be a happy, optimistic person, so I am trying to smile more... no more resting bitch face for me! (Seriously, I have an angry resting expression - I even surprise myself with it in the mirror sometimes.) Any time I consciously notice that I am not smiling, I try to relax my face and let a smile grow, even if I am alone.

I also want to live a healthy lifestyle, with exercise for my body and meditation for my mind. So, I have started doing yoga at home with YouTube to accomplish both goals. Since I can do that at my convenience, with whatever time I have, with whatever energy level I have or don't have, AND do it for free, I literally have no excuse to avoid it. I never really did yoga in the past, so this is something brand new that I am choosing for myself.

And speaking of the "painting a masterpiece" analogy, I want to be an artist. I used to do arts and crafts at home a lot, and I studied art in school, so it is not something new for me. But I haven't been doing much since college, and frankly, I miss it. I miss the creative workflow, and producing things that made people happy, including myself. So I have recently completed several projects that have started me back on that path. I had to kinda force myself to get started, but the high I feel after finishing a project and being proud of the result is so worth the struggle of starting.

The bottom line is that I want to love myself again! It will be a long journey to fix all that has broken, but making the decision to make those first steps is progress, and I already like myself more for it. I already feel the old me shining through - the old me that was never afraid of a challenge. And this is the most worthwhile challenge I have ever taken on... myself.

XO

Impostor Syndrome

'Impostor syndrome' is a term that was first introduced to me by a therapist. When she said it, I thought she was speaking in general about the Silicon Valley since you see a lot of that around here... people get hired by big companies into high-paying jobs, and don't think they deserve it. I didn't fully understand that I, too, was a victim until I listened to a corporate presentation about it last week.

In the presentation, the speaker explained her experience of taking a three week vacation. On that vacation, despite being in a beautiful setting and totally unplugged from work, she was more stressed about work than ever. She thought "what if I am gone so long that they think I don't care, and then they fire me?" And "what if while I am gone, they discover I am not as good as they thought I was, and they fire me?" Oh, and also "what if things go so well while I am gone, they wonder why they even need me, and they fire me?"

These fears took hold of her and ruined her trip. They wasted her time, wasted her money, and in the end, left her terrified to return to work, even though it was a job she loved.

And I sat there, almost crying, because I've been there.

I've gone through more than one phase over the past few years of oh-my-gosh-I'm-going-to-get-fired without cause. Where did I even get that idea? Because the evidence is this: I was hired, I've received great performance reviews, and my manager has discussed long-term plans for my career growth. Nothing in there is a red flag, so where did my "logic" that I was being fired come from?

Impostor syndrome comes from the inability for us to internalize our accomplishments, and to take it a step further, the bad habit of allowing external signals to negate our accomplishments.

For me at work, it was entering an uninviting work environment that I believe triggered my syndrome. Yes, I was hired, but I was made to feel unwelcome by others in the office. I was made to feel that my role wasn't important, and that I didn't belong in that department. And therefore, no matter what the quality of my work or the score on my performance review, I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like an impostor, and I believed it was only a matter of time before they corrected their mistake and fired me.

For me, this gave me an overwhelming sense of "why bother," since I was sure I was going to be fired anyway. And then a deep depression set in because I suddenly lost my purpose and motivation at work. And then I stopped working, sometimes not even showing up at all. And then I came back around to being afraid I was going to be fired because now I had an actual reason to be fired. I had created a real issue out of an imaginary scenario in my head.

The trouble is, coming out of this was REALLY hard. I was so paralyzed by fear of being fired that I couldn't function. I had to take it one day at a time, no, one minute at a time to check and reset my mood and try to get anything done at all.

I think to some extent, impostor syndrome probably motivates people to try harder to keep up with their peers if they feel like they are falling behind. But for me, it broke me down. And I HATE that I let it do that to me, because I like to consider myself a strong, confident, competitive person. Now that I realize that others have been through the same experience, though, I don't feel quite as angry about it. I realize it wasn't me failing, it was just me not appreciating myself. I need to take time each day to celebrate my victories and count my blessings, because I am not an impostor. I worked hard to get where I am today, and I am excited for what is next.

XO

When I feel myself slipping

I am sure I'm not the only one who can sense when they are slipping into a really, really bad day, depression/anxiety-wise. I'm talking debilitating hopelessness, or paralyzing fear. And once I feel myself about to hit that threshold, the stress of it causes me to instantly get more sad/mad/scared at myself for not being able to control myself, and I spiral. I completely lose control, and it seems so stupid because I saw it coming! Not that I am stupid, but depression and anxiety are stupid. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

Well, I have recently picked up a little trick, which I tested over and over before sharing since I didn't want to be a liar. When I feel myself slipping, I stand up. Like, literally. That's it.

No one ever breaks down into the deep dark pits of depression while exercising. Not walking, running, or dancing. And no, I am not suggesting working out right then and there because the likelihood that I'll feel like working out at a moment like that is negative infinity percent, but standing up at least gets things flowing. Because let's face it, when I am slipping, I am probably either in bed or on the couch. Standing up = blood flow, oxygen flow, endorphin flow = calm.

This is what happens: Stand up. Deep breath. Maybe I feel a little better? Maybe not. Take a few steps. Better? NO! But now I'm up, and I don't want to give in to the couch and the misery I will feel there, so I ain't sittin' back down! I might as well shower. No wonder I'm slipping, I haven't showered in two days. A shower will really turn things around for me. Oh, and I might as well go get that cup of coffee I have been thinking about for 45 minutes but was too depressed to get up out of bed for. That will be good. Hmm, I'll drink my coffee in the shower - no wait, in a bath. Ooh ooh I'll light a candle in there, too, like in a chick flick! I'm so fancy. And like that, I am back in control.

Am I feeling good? Not necessarily. But I am in control. I am not curled up in a ball on the couch anymore. I am moving, I am being productive [because yes, I consider bathing 'productive', don't you?], and I now have the hope of living my life for rest of the day rather than losing yet another day to the deep dark pit. And that hope sure does feel good.

I actually believe that feeling myself slipping is a blessing in disguise. It gives me the opportunity to stop the train before I go over that cliff. I just need to stand up, and take back the control.

XO